Sunday, November 30, 2008

Sunday @ work @ 3 that's early.

There have been a lot of changes here at my work place. One of the newer supervisors was let go last week. He was a good guy. He just seemed to have a hard time fitting in with others. Well lets just say others felt he didn't blend in well here. I liked him he was a cool guy. People come and go here at our job. Security Officers are an expendable commodity around here. They go through guards like I go through sliders (White Castle hamburgers). It's a sad feeling to feel so replaceable. If I was a person who worried it would get to me. I don't worry because I know God will provide another job if I need one. Don't tell anyone but I had eight different jobs in one year before. Back in 1996 I think it was...heck I was a young, twenty-three year old, horny, party-going, carefree spirit back then. Work is a means to an end to me. I'm really seriously considering the possibility of college again this spring. The plan was to move to the south and take care of my mother-in-law and go to school, but my wife and I are working out a few of our differences so I'll be staying up north and she and my daughter are moving south on Thursday.

My daughter is seven months old and she is so precious. She is like a beacon of joy to me. As soon as I see her my day brightens. She is my fourth child. My only girl. I have three boys as well. They are my heart. Children are so important. I can't figure out why some don't take the time to raise them properly. They make me feel young when I'm around them. I get to climb on the monkey bars, and swing on swings, and slide down slides. I love it. My first wife, the one I had my two oldest boys with, has custody of my sons. I rarely see them, even when they lived less than two miles from my apartment. That has caused me more emotional pain than any other challenge I've ever faced. I miss being more active in their lives. I think they resent me for not being around as much as a real father should be. But I try so hard to see them but to no avail. I'm fortunate If I see them once a month.

I guess my ex-wife thinks I'm a loser and my fatherhood has no value to her, so if I get to see them isn't important to her. It's funny that some people think your worth is measured by how much you make an hour. Oh well It's all a part of being married to the wrong person and then having children with that person. Big mistake. Big mistake to think I could still be a father to children when the mother doesn't think you deserve to. She makes me feel like a single parent. I pay child support and I still don't get to see them. Both of my sons have cell phones, but they don't call me regularly. Once every few weeks if I'm lucky. My oldest is twelve and I think he resents me for having remarried. He still holds on to the hope that his mom and I will get back together. That saddens me and leaves me with serious guilt. My ex and I couldn't be any more wrong for each other.

I was twenty-one when I got married and very unprepared for married life. I didn't know that sometimes when you marry someone, that person will change. I wasn't prepared for that. I thought things would be great like they were throughout our courtship. Heck we courted for a year and a half before getting married. But in all honesty I take the blame for my first marriage not working out. I can give reasons and excuses but when it comes down to it, no matter what 'drove' me to cheat, I was the one who was unfaithful. And that is something I will live with the rest of my days. I only hope God and my children can forgive me.

No comments: